The Supreme Being Teaches Spider-Man How To Be In Love and Raimi How To Make Hindi Movies

Beyond doubt, the largest movie industry in the world is Bollywood.. in terms of quantity. For quality, i'd say look elsewhere. The largest English speaking audience that lies untapped is no doubt

in the Indian subcontinent. So what is the best way to get your trumps right the third time? Outsource your comic book hero to India. No, this isn't about Pavitr Prabhakar in his dhotis and his

lady love Meera Jain in the suburbs of Mumbai but it is our very own international star Peter Parker dancing to the tunes of an Indian ghost director [My "sixth sense" KKKKolloborates with

anonymous sources] in Spider Man III. Before I recklessly criticise, the humour department has done a lovely job in subtle shades of comic relief, so no complaints there. Now where was I ?

What defines a Hindi movie? You need melodrama, tears, songs, action sequences, illogical reasoning, sterotyped anticlimax and voila you have a hindi movie? Would SMIII get certified

Bollywood? Lets find out. I still can't get over the fact that it costs BD 3 for a movie ticket (I mentally convert it to Rs 300 approx!!! ouch!!!!) Its so much cheaper when u convert stuff over

there to dinars and feel assured you are not wasting cash :)

The movie starts off with how Spiderman lives in UTOPIA of his own, everything going for him. NYC loves him, Mary Jane is on Broadway and he is ready to marry her. While he and Harry still

dont seem to be on talking terms, Peter has spun his web of intriguing romance around Mary. Usual JAB LOVE HUA material.

Kurkure time and its kahaani mein twist.

Since Koi Mil Gaya is our only sci fi movie, its the one that gets the tribute with alive version of Hershey s Chocolate sauce [yuuuuummmmmm] falls out from a meteorite [coincidentally Peter

thinks its from Mars (which btw is a certified non vegetarian chocolate as announced recently by its bosses)] and decides Peter aka Krish is the chosen one and follows him through. Then again

maybe Chandramukhi ['93 Salman Sridevi starrer] could have been an inspiration though with negative shades.

Then we have our best friends turned foes pick up a fight and the good ol rope trip does the trick :) for Spider Man to win though the Hindi sentiments rush in when he finds Harry lying outcold

on the street and rushes him to hospital. [Thank God Raimi is just learning and missed out on the bawling music usually played when a near and dear one is rushed to the hospital] All that hard

hitting action, and apna Harry is suffering from short term memory loss leading to him becoming buddies with Peter again and the movie climax is given away with the dialogue- "I would give my

life for them [Peter and MJ]."

Villain One: Marko Flint makes an entry and the emotional good guy stuck with bad luck melodrama pops up as we find out he doing all this just for his terminally ill daughter and his desperation

leading to crime [Innumerable hindi movies have used this theme] and potential murder of Uncle Ben. Yup, it wasnt that freaky hairstyle dude Spidey banged up before in an abandoned building

up this new character who killed Uncle Ben. NYPD shows its CBI style efficiency in finding this out within 2 years. How he became sandman by ending up into a silicon chamber in a physics

institute is jus a random afterthought in the movie.

Whats a Hindi movie without songs and tears? Reminiscent of DCH and "woh ladki hai kahaan" , you have MJ well trying at the opera and her love PP watching and singing along. Obviously the

reviews of her performance are horrendous and shes all broken to find Peter gets more self centred as he tries to help her. Right from the hero to the villain, everyone sheds a tear thanks to

Sam Raimi providing a cheer for the glycerine industry who can now challenge Ekta Kapoor with bigger clientele offers.

Another instance of comic fluency as a wild crane wreaks havoc but Spidey rescues Gwen, Eddie s gal (Eddie is this freelance photographer fighting for Parkers job at Daily Bugle). Gwen also

turns out to be Parker's lab partner [Yes, he still is a geek and all you engineers out there, there is a MJ for all of us ;) if not Gwen] How is the World always a small place in movies?

Another creepy little doubt, [no Murphy, the limelights not on you] when "X" number of things are required to give you hope, why do all X things go bad at the same synchronised moment?

Gwen also turns out to be police commissioner s daughter[World = NYC is a small place] so our hero is going to get the key to the city for saving her life. The "pati, patni and woh" angle pops in

as he gives Gwen the special upside down kiss reserved for MJ. Rifts in love have begun. MJ's dilemma - Highly successful partner who doesnt understand her while she undergoes career crisis.

Meanwhile KYUNKI AUNT BHI KABHI LOVER THI, Peter Parker gets advice and the sentimental "ghar ki amaanat" ring to make MJ feel special when he asked her out. But being a Bollywood

movie, how can love blossom so easily? You need a vamp, Gwen takes care of that by situation, not by character. So MJ has to find Harry aka Emraan Hashmi arms [who suddenly remembered he

had to avenge his father's death] and our next dance sequence fitted in just for the sake of it.

EMOTION OVERDOSE: Hit a superhero hard at his soft spot. Kasautii Zindagi kay? Idea?!! MJ, if you love Parker so much and want him to live, break up with him!! Richter Scale hits
9.5 as Peter Parker breaks down making the dark side and the gooey stuff take him over with a sleek black costume and he becomes cooler in his own eyes and Johnny Lever in ours.

He goes berserk with his agression leading to two subplots. Eddie had his whole life dependent on one thing and Parker spoilt that. Villain No. 2 has a motive :) His attitude leads MJ ask the

zillion dollar question, " Who are you? [Tumhe kya hogaya. Main tumhe nahi jaanti]" and his transition is met at Church with BELLS tolling [The Almighty! No hindi movie can have good beat the

evil against all odds without him brought into the perspective- every director's answer to all things impossible] where he becomes the friendly neighbourhood spiderman and VENOM makes his

entry.

Illogical coincidences and everything is a coincidence always:-
Millions and millions of taxis in NYC but Mary Jane would obviously choose the one Eddie was driving so the plot could continue. And we reach our anticlimax :) 2 villains, one heroine. Hero tries

standing up to the occasion but he is mercilessly clobbered. Again, if things have to go wrong, all of them go wrong at the same time. But do I hear Sholay? Yes, Junior Goblin decides to save the

day for his best friends and in the end comes in the way when Venom tries to kill Spiderman. How Venom is finished off is a very very dry way to finish such an important Spiderman character,
Under the Bollywod scriptwriters rulebook, climaxes should follow certain guidelines:
1) Hero in tight spot as his love is in threatened position [MJ hangs on for her life literally while Sandman pounds Spidey]
2) Destiny takes a turn and plot has a twist dependent on overall storyline [Friendship- Osbourne Jnr makes an entry]
3) A near and dear one of the hero should get fatally wounded in trying to save hero [Harry in the name of friendship sacrifices his life]
4) Hero beats all and overpowers villain [Obvious!!!!]
5) Alls well that ends well and they live happily ever after. [Need I say more]

All said and done, Sam has done a decent job at his first foray into Bollywood and Karan has competition!!